Tonight, I wanted to write. I feel like I need to write. It’s been a rough week. With having to deal with the loss of a pet and the surgery of another one, I just – I’ve had a really hard time. My anxiety and depression have really been trying to take over. My mind has been in a whirl wind and I can feel myself sinking. The good news is, I recognize it. I know what’s going on and I know that I have to get out of it. I have tried to stay active and get out of bed and do things. It wasn’t easy today though.

Today was mentally hard on me. I found myself slipping into the panic that I knew all too well with the person that broke me. The feeling of self-consciousness. The feeling of not being skinny enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, just – good enough in general. The thing is, I did that all to myself today. No one “made” me feel this way, like he use to. Some switch in my brain was “trained” to think that if I wasn’t as skinny, as pretty, or as “perfect” as someone else, then I was nothing. I felt that today. My emotions flooded over me and I did not feel “worthy” of being with someone. I didn’t feel worthy because someone shorter, skinnier, prettier, more athletic, and with a past, was around me. I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I heard his voice in my head, telling me that he would pick her. That she was the “definition” of what a girl should look like. How after all this time, can I be so screwed up?

I really hate it because the next person does not deserve my “baggage” of inadequacy that I carry around. I should not for a second think that they are anything like the person that broke me and I don’t. My head just tells me that there is always someone better than me. My brain tells me that no matter how you feel about someone, how good you are to them, how much time you put into them, and what your heart feels, that they can always leave. They could care about you one day and the next, realize that you’re just not their one in a million. And that’s scary, you know? To put yourself in a position to be broken again. To look over and know that you’re not the “best” and that there is “better” right in front of them and wondering how long it is going to take for them to realize I’m not “great”. It’s just scary. So, that’s what’s wrong with me today. I got in my own head and made someone else feel bad, for something that they never did. That they have never even come close to doing.

I’ll do better. I will be better. I will work as hard as I can to not let previous issues, follow me into a promising future. I may have bad days, but I will get through them. Just like today.