- OCD behavior – wanting to make sure I have a to do list, that I don’t forget anything, that everything is marked off. Always feeling like I am forgetting something and needing to add it to my list. I have to have my laundry done, my clothes laid out, my dishes done, and everything in place most days of the week.
- Thinking about my mistakes. I think a lot about the things I could have done to get a different outcome in my life. Every. Little. Thing. I want to change so many things that I can never change and it’s hard for me to realize this sometimes.
- Pictures. I have pictures pop up all the time, whether on my phone, my Facebook, Instagram, Google, they are everywhere. And a lot are from my past. The good parts of my past and it’s hard for me to let them go. It always makes my chest tight to see certain things and people. (Carly, my house that I sold, my family, my friends back home, a simple life I once had)
- Money. I think this is a stressor for most everyone. The mistakes that I made to make sure the people around me were financially taken care of (forgetting about myself).
- The overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. I feel this way in relationships, friendships, work. I want so much to be the best, to be chosen, to not be looked over. Sometimes the feeling of wanting to be good enough consumes me.
- Memories. When I go to certain places that hold memories, (good, bad, happy, sad) it is really hard for me to not get overtaken by missing those memories. I want to go back to that time in my life and relive it, instead of trying to make new memories.
- Driving. I honestly hate driving, but I have to do it all the time. I have been in a few wrecks and driving really scares me. Driving in the morning time is the worst for me. I get so sleepy. And driving in the rain, nearly gives me a panic attack.
- My weight. I have gone from an “average weight” to a higher weight, to a weight that people thought something was wrong with me. I worry about my weight every day and try not to always listen to the little voice in my head telling me “you’re fat”, “you look gross”, “look at your chins”, “you looked better when you didn’t eat”. I went through a time where I didn’t have a full meal for 13 days straight. I felt happy with how “skinny” I looked, but it wasn’t healthy. At all. So, I’m now trying to find the balance of where my weight needs to be, where I am happy and healthy.
- Songs. There are certain songs that I can hear, that trigger everything in me, to have a break down. That take me back to a place where I never want to be or that I never want to leave. I focus so much on the lyrics of songs and I connect with them so much. I connect all times of my life with music.
- Thinking about my “timeline”. I am not where I want to be in life yet. I feel like some days, I have taken a million steps forward and others, I’m starting over. I know that there isn’t a “timeline”, but let’s be honest, there are expectations of where you are supposed to be in life, at certain ages. I feel like I had the life where I was supposed to be and I blew that up. I moved. I started over. And some days I regret, but in my heart, I know that it was best thing for me. It’s just . . . now what?
Her Unpredictable Thoughts 